


from rocks to pearls

by haipollai



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Post Stanley Cup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:38:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s too sudden to process anything but <i>hurt</i> and a deep seated ache. The same pain is reflected back at him from every other guy on the team. In some ways, it’s a relief to see everyone hurting the same.</p><p>It’s not just in his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	from rocks to pearls

Jeff doesn't come out after the Kings are knocked out. He’s not there during the end of the Capitals season either but Mike barely notices. Doesn’t notice much of anything outside of the team, and the constant swing of emotions. There isn’t time to do much of anything besides play and prepare to play until it all comes to a screeching halt.

It’s too sudden to process anything but _hurt_ and a deep seated ache. The same pain is reflected back at him from every other guy on the team. In some ways, it’s a relief to see everyone hurting the same.

It’s not just in his head.

He starts to think about Jeff as Clean Out Day wraps up as the press finally leaves and it’s just the team. No one wants to talk about the series yet, but they’re trying again to talk to each other and push away the hurt. Ovechkin rubs at his eyes and grumbles something under his breath which only Nicky catches. For a second Nicky stares at him, Mike notices but not many others do until Nicky starts laughing. 

At first it’s just his shoulders shaking silently. Ovechkin looks up at Nicky with a frown though. “Not nice,” he huffs and Nicky completely loses it. No one else has any idea what’s going on but Nicky almost doubled over and Ovi slowly giving in and grinning himself, trying to hide it behind his hands, is contagious.

Chimmer throws a sock at them. “What the fuck guys, you’re running the moment.” But there’s no heat in it. The kids are the first ones up, piling on Nicky and Ovi and the rest get dragged over too. It still feels like shit and there won’t be anything to laugh about later but right now, it’s a release. Mike maybe clings harder than he means to but for right now he’s still part of this.

He thinks about Jeff for the first time when he’s back home, trying to ignore Stick trailing him inside as if Mike invited him. He appreciates it, he gets it, but he wants to break Justin’s nose at the same time.

“Am I feeding you too?” He sighs.

“Do you even have anything in your fridge?” Stick shoots back. Mike purses his lips and resolutely opens the refrigerator door as if Justin isn’t right. “Come on, man. Order in pizza.”

Mike stares at the contents of his fridge for a second longer, thinking that Jeff would know what to do with what he’s got there. Jeff isn’t here though, Jeff is fuck knows where and Mike gives up and goes to grab his phone.

He books his flight back to Kenora that night with Stick leaning against his side despite all of Mike’s obvious annoyance with him still being there. But maybe Justin’s not there just for him, maybe Justin isn’t ready to go home yet and really face that it’s over. Mike didn’t bring much when he came to D.C., the house is a rental. Cleaning out his locker was the closest he’s going to come to really packing up and leaving. Now he’s ready to just go and get back to somewhere he’s comfortable.

They say goodbye late in the night. It’s harder than Mike expects, Justin knows he’ll be here next season and Mike has been trying not to think about next season. He thinks he did well enough that even if the Caps won’t keep him, some other team will get over themselves and approach him. It’s not something he wants to think about here, not when the door closes behind Justin and for the first time in almost twenty four hours, he’s really really alone.

He ends up at the airport about four hours early to not be at his rented place anymore. It’s early so the only other people there are mostly like him, people with nowhere else to be except where they’re trying to go.

He doesn’t sleep very well on planes these days, the changes in pressure make his head ache and there’s no way to feel comfortable on a commercial flight surrounded by strangers. It ends before his headache turns into a migraine and he’s more than happy to tumble into a cab to get back to his place.

He tells himself there just wasn’t enough time to tell his parents when to come get him, or anyone else in the area. Just easier to go back and slip in and tomorrow he can make the phone calls to tell people he’s around.

There are lights on in the kitchen window though and one of the living room windows is open.

Mike stands there staring for a long moment after the taxi has driven away. He doesn’t even need one hand to count how many people would have no problem coming to Mike’s place and make themselves at home with him there. If he’s being completely honest, the list has only one name.

He lets himself in the front door and drops his back there in the hall at the sound of paws running from the back of the house. He drops to his knees as Arnold comes bounding up, burying his face in his fur as Arnold tries desperately to lick his face.

It means he doesn’t have to look up at the person who follows, doesn’t have to look up as someone else sits down on the hard floor next to him, groaning softly at the twinge in his knees.

He takes a shaky breath. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say when he opens his mouth. Nothing really needs to be said. “I didn’t do enough,” still tumbles out.

“Do I even need to tell you how wrong that is?” Jeff says softly.

Mike looks up. He hasn’t thought about Jeff since the Kings were knocked out and they talked on the phone before the Caps started round two. He’s tanned, more so than just living in LA tanned. He’s probably been up here for awhile. It hits him right then, it’s _over_. Another season gone without anything to show for it. “Yea,” he smiles tightly. “Yea you need to.” His voice catches on the words

Jeff doesn’t say anything and Mike tries to pretend he’s not shrinking in on himself. Jeff touches his arm and pulls him over. At first Mike doesn’t move but one more tug and he melts. He tucks his head under Jeff’s chin. He smells like the lake and Arnold and the fancy shampoo he insists on even when Mike teases him for it. 

“You haven't shaved,” he mumbles, angling his head so Jeff's beard scrapes against his cheek. 

“Was waiting for you.” His arms tightened around Mike. “Thought it would be a lot longer before I saw you here.”

“Sorry.” Someone else who expected more of him. Someone else he couldn't do right by. But then, Jeff has always been the one Mike has hurt the most, even if Jeff didn't know it. 

“Should have been me and you in the final.”

Mike lifts his head and makes himself look at Jeff, actually look even if it terrifies him. Jeff never looks bad to him, even with his teeth out and his hair and beard grown too long. But he looks tired. The Kings lost and Mike didn't let himself think about it. And now the Capitals are out and he doesn’t want to think about that either. “Yea well. It’s not.”

“Don’t be an ass or I’m not going to fuck you on the boat.” He says it lightly but there’s tension at the corner of his mouth. Mike’s learning to be better at seeing those cues and actually paying attention instead of storming forward with whatever he’s doing.

“Can’t resist an offer like that,” he says drily. Arnold has finally decided he’s bored of not being the focus of attention and shoves himself between them. “You’re not invited Arnie. Sorry.”

Jeff laughs softly and kisses the top of Arnold’s head. “Come on, off the floor?”

Mike rolls his eyes but pushes himself up. He feels it in that moment, the wear of the season, the aches that seem to be coming from everywhere. There’s a brief moment, a want for something to make everything stop hurting. He turns into Jeff instead and lets himself cling.

There’s so much he hasn’t let himself think about and right now he’s so tired.

“Talk to me, Mike,” Jeff says, his arms tightening as if he knows that he’s the only thing holding Mike up right now. 

“Just tired.” The rest of the words die on his tongue but it feels like a good start. 

“You idiot, upstairs.” He pushes Mike up the stairs, and right into bed.

Feeling sluggish, and old, Mike barely manages to get his shoes off but the rest seems like too much. Once the adrenaline of game after game after game, and a goal to fight for was all taken away, he didn’t sleep well. His bed in DC was too big, the entire house too empty. “You better fucking stay,” he mumbles, already half asleep with Jeff’s hands on him.

“Needy,” but he sounds fond so Mike thinks it’s ok. They end up a tangle of limbs, Mike wanting nothing else but Jeff now that he’s letting himself think about him and them.

He rubs his cheek against Jeff's beard. “I'm sorry.”

“Mike,” Jeff sighs. 

“Let me fucking say it. I want to be better.” He keeps his face buried against Jeff's neck. It feels more right to say it like this, hidden and intimate then going at it head on. This isn't a fight.

The pause feels like it lasts forever. Barely breathing, not moving. “You lied to me,” Jeff finally says. His fingers dig into Mike's back, holding him closer. 

“I did. It was the stupidest fucking decision of my life.”

“Why the fuck are you hiding?” Jeff grumbles. “Get up here and kiss me.”

Mike huffs and presses his nose to the dip under Jeff's jaw. “Not my fucking fault you're too tall.” Jeff’s fingers grip at his hair but don’t pull. Mike wonders if he can push Jeff into doing just that, if he’ll be willing to push and pull and knock Mike out of his tired stupor.

“Mike.” His words tilt up, almost into a question. 

“Why aren’t you angry at me?” He growls. Everyone else has punished him. Even Jeff at first to some extent, not talking to him for almost two months but it doesn’t feel like enough. 

“What the fuck will that do?” But his hand is gripping tighter and Mike has to bite back a groan. “You want that?” Suddenly Jeff yanks, pulling his head up so they’re eye to eye. Mike feels pathetic at Jeff getting him so quickly but nods as best he can.

“I deserve it.”

“For what?” He twists them and Mike is too tired and it’s too easy to do nothing but let Jeff push him onto his back, lie still as Jeff pins him down with his own body weight. It doesn’t hurt, Jeff is still being careful, he’s just holding Mike down. “Fucking talk to me.”

“I hurt you. Hurt everyone. Fucked up my own career.”

“So you want me here to hurt you? You think that’s going to make me feel better?”

He squeezes his eyes shut against the hurt in Jeff’s voice. It’s his fault and he can’t even figure out how to fix it. Pushing aside all thoughts of Jeff didn’t help, and now this, trying to give Jeff the chance to get some kind of payback isn’t working either. “I lost you,” he whispers, his voice coming out raw. It’s the most honest thing he’s said to anyone besides his therapist. “We were supposed to play together our entire careers. Messed that up.”

“Yea,” Jeff says softly. “Guess you sorta did.” The scratch of his beard on Mike’s cheek catches him by surprise and his eyes fly open. “Come on, you dealt with my breakdown in Columbus, stop being a brat.”

“Fuck you.” He twists his head enough he can touch his lips to Jeff’s and rely on him to deepen the kiss. He feels his chest twist with warmth. It doesn’t feel possible that Jeff should stick around for him.

Jeff’s lips hover right above his as the kiss ends. “Don’t lie to me again, deal?”

“Deal.” He never wanted to hide in the first place, it was just the easier thing to do. Jeff was doing well and Mike just kept spiraling down and down. He didn’t want Jeff to worry. Until suddenly it was too late to tell him anything and it all exploded in Mike’s face anyway.

Tension leaves Jeff’s shoulders and he drops his head to rest on Mike’s chest.

Mike breathes out in relief and wraps his arms tightly around him. It’s been a very long time since Mike’s been his captain and even longer since Mike had to look out for him, he’s not sure he’s even good at it anymore. He’ll do it for Jeff, because Jeff does it for him. If he was a better person, he would have reached out to Jeff right away after the Kings were knocked out, or after the Capitals or any of the other chances he’d had.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” he says up to the ceiling.

“Yea, I know.”

Mike smiles and runs his palm down Jeff’s back, feeling the flex and shift of muscle under his shirt. He dozes off, feeling warm and contained under Jeff’s weight. When he wakes up again, he has Arnie lying in bed with him instead but he worms his way out from underneath, to seek out Jeff.

He’s outside on the dock, his feet dangling in the water as he sips coffee. Mike sits next to him, leaning into him. The loss is already starting to feel like a different world. Not that it happened to someone else, but simply too long ago to actually matter. Jeff is wearing a shirt but it’s old and stretched and falling off a shoulder so Mike can rest his cheek against him and feel his skin is already sunwarmed.

“I have to confess something,” Jeff says. Mike’s shoulders get tight but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t run as much as his brain is telling him to get out before Jeff can say whatever it is. “Couldn’t watch any of your games in the Finals. Tried. Just…”

Mike lifts his head to look up at him, waiting for more but Jeff just stares down at the lake. “Fuck I thought you were going to break up with me.”

Jeff’s head shoots up. He always looks a bit silly to Mike when he doesn’t have his teeth in and it’s not helped by the startled look in his eyes. “What the fuck Mike?”

He grins and shrugs, feeling a bit like he’s floating as the panicked adrenaline fades. “Don’t worry. Couldn’t watch any of your games either. Doesn’t matter.”

Jeff still seems slightly annoyed that Mike assumed his confession was about them but the corner of his lips tug up. “Yea?”

“Course, you fucking moron.”

He shoves at Mike lightly before pulling him back in. Mike goes easily, leaning back against Jeff’s side. “You sent me all those texts when you were up here before, about realizing it was just a game, and forgetting how to enjoy it and some other philosophical bullshit but I thought you were just drunk.”

Mike shrugs. “Worked some shit out.”

“Yea. Know that.”

Jeff seems content to just sit there and relax but Mike’s ready to catch up on how much he’s missed him. He pushes himself up, straddling Jeff’s thighs, not caring about the slight protest in his knees. Jeff blinks up at him in surprise but Mike doesn’t give him much more time before he’s cupping Jeff’s face to hold him where Mike wants and kisses him. Jeff moans and seems content to just let Mike take control and lead them.

There’s no rush until Arnie comes trotting out, whining for breakfast. Jeff laughs at him as Mike begrudgingly gets to his feet, his knees complaining.

“Old man,” Jeff teases, his lips red and slick from the kiss, smiling up at Mike. It feels like they could stay like this forever, no outside world to weigh them down. It’s a dangerous thought, leading to more than they really want just yet. Mike will have to step back out his front door eventually, even if there’s only more hurt waiting for him there. He tears his eyes away from Jeff to take care of Arnie. “Come on boy,” he murmurs softly, resting his hand on the dog’s head.

“I’ll have breakfast ready when you get back from walking him,” Jeff says, though he doesn’t look like he’s going to get up anytime soon.

“I’ll hold you to that Carts.”

Jeff smirks and slowly rolls his neck, knowing exactly how he looks with the long line of his neck stretched out and bare. “I’m good on my word.”

Mike rolls his eyes but it feels right to stand there in the morning sun with Jeff. “We’ll see.” He finally makes his feet move, shooing Arnie towards the front door, not that he needs much encouragement. Mike stops just before he steps inside, needing insanely for just a minute to make sure Jeff was there out on the dock where Mike had left him. As if now that Mike’s let himself relax and not worry, this will all turn out to be a fever dream.

Jeff is sitting right where Mike left him, kicking his feet in the water as he finishes his coffee. Mike lets out a breath and makes his feet keep moving. Jeff will be there when he gets back, he can push everything else aside for now and think just of the promise Jeff made. He decides to shoot Jeff a quick text as he takes Arnie around the corner.

_I’ll show you ‘old man’_

He gets back a picture of a bottle of Viagra. 

Arnie whines at him, but Mike isn’t ashamed to admit he’s rushing now to get back home.


End file.
